there's paper in my vomit.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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