Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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