I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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