Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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