So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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