and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
