i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
