Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize