Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize