You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
