i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
drinking out of a sandbucket again
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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