I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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