good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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