are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
