Can Purell be used as lube?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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