Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
