I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
