Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she looked like the before picture.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I lost the right to judge tonight
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
