Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
