Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
