The maid of honor just puked.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
