My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
