I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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