Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
