I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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