I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
