I want to make a zoo with you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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