dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
