hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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