i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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