fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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