i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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