More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
