I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize