Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
