im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
