Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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