my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
