I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
