I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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