She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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