At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
