She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
