I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
