I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
