I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize