Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
