totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
