On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
