that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
