What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
