He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize