I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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