Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
