He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
