I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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