i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
