I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
