I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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