I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize