You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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