Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
