I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
