Well apparently he's into motor boating.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
