It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Don't make out with my wife yet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
