Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I enjoy the company of your penis
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
