you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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