There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
