there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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