The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My vagina is officially offended.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
