I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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