I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
