dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
