There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
