is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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